Yesterday afternoon, when I got done at the internet cafe, I started walking towards the Metro station to catch a train home. As always, I didn't have to go too far before I came upon a woman with an outstretched hand. Since I'm on this street a lot, I've probably walked by her dozens of times so far without even acknowledging her. This time I decided I'd try to love her, however that looked.
Using my mastery of the Bengali language I greeted her, then told her "food, come." We walked to Khalsa, a nearby restaurant, and I motioned her inside. We sat down and I handed her the single menu they had for us. She ordered a few items, and I ordered a lassi (yogurt drink). While we sat I got out my Bengali notes and practiced with her. She knew a bit of English too, so we were able to have a bit of a conversation. At first it seemed like she was just trying to get more money out of me, which was a bit frustrating. I sort of ignored those comments and tried to make conversation: "I live in America." "I work at a Mother Teresa house everyday." Everyday isn't quite correct (I only work 5 days each week), but it was one of my new vocabulary words, so I wanted to practice it. Pretty soon she started talking about herself. What I gathered, which may not have been correct, was that she used to live in Bangladesh with her husband. Her husband died and then she moved here (those may have been in the other order). She said something about a kid, although it was completely unclear to me what exactly she was trying to get across. She didn't have a kid with her, so I'm not sure if it was a child she has now, a child that grew up, a child that died, some other child that she just felt like talking about...
After she finished eating, I went over to pay the bill and she left the restaurant. Once I got outside I realized she was waiting for me out there. We walked back a little way together. She said that the food was good and was very thankful. She asked me about tomorrow. I didn't commit, but tried to get across the idea that I'd probably buy her lunch again sometime. I don't really want it to be something that she just expects from me, but I'd also like to help her and try to build some relationship there. I just don't want it to all be based around me giving her stuff. Once again I find myself without answers, but with a desire and conviction to love and bless the poor.
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4 comments:
Correct me if I'm wrong, but food over there is pretty cheap (for us), no? I don't see anything wrong with treating her to a meal whenever you run across her and have the time.
Also, I'm pretty sure that generosity doesn't preclude genuine connections with people. In fact, it can often be a spark that helps it.
I understand your reluctance to let her expect it from you, but you might want to do some self-searching to figure out why you are afraid of that. Forgive me if this sounds unsympathetic to your situation, but I doubt it's for her sake. I'm sure she would want the food as often as possible despite the disappointment that would somtimes result.
No, generousity in and of itself doesn't block connections. What does block relationship is when it becomes an expectation, and the thing is more important than the relationship. Honestly, that's where any relationship with a beggar is going to start. They pursue you because they want something from you. It's a question of how to transition the relationship so that it isn't based on that expectation.
You also hit upon the issue of time, there will definitely be times where for whatever reason I won't have that hour to spend with her. Right now, for example, when I leave I may see her again, but I'll have fairly limited time to make it back for a team meeting in a little over an hour. I don't want some expectation so that she gets upset at me if I don't give.
You are right that food here is pretty cheap. The meal I bought her was about a dollar based on current exchange rates. A dollar each day is certainly within my budget. Care to guess how many beggars I run across daily? Kolkata isn't like America, when you go downtown there are beggars just about everywhere. In the two blocks from this internet cafe to the subway I'll probably pass 10-20 beggars. I don't have the money to spend a dollar each day on each of 20 beggars.
In the long run, I believe that the most effective ways to serve people are by helping them find a way to provide for themselves. The book I'm reading right now Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger looks at God's heart for the poor and what our response should be. If you look at the law in the Old Testament, it was designed to help give people the resources they needed to be productive, not just give handouts. I'm not saying that handouts are bad, but I don't like the idea of that as a solution.
For the record, I don't have the slightest idea how to implement that in Kolkata, but I do believe it is possible and that it is God's heart for the poor.
I just read your Money Barrier post, and Ian's comment on it. Really, I'm too used to people being on more-or-less equal fanancial levels.
I was aware of the many, many beggers in Kolkata. But that wasn't really what I was saying. I wasn't talking about every beggar. Just this one.
I agree that the long-term solution is emporing them to provide for themselves. But what about in the mean time?
I honestly have difficulty getting myself to give you this kind of feedback, because I'm not there, and you are. Because I don't know what it's like over there. And because by simply being there you are doing ten trillion time more than I am, so it's really not my place to criticize.
If you would like me to stop, I will. I really do admire what you are doing, and all of my criticisms really are insignificant compared to your simply being there and trying to help people.
But please understand that I'm just trying to help.
No, you were right that I need to be constantly looking at myself. I just got really defensive because I felt like you were saying I wasn't doing that. A lot of what I'm posting on my blog, and certainly this post, is about things I'm struggling with (present tense!) and that I don't have all encompassing answers for.
I still hold that it isn't reasonable for her to expect that every single day, but I also do plan on continuing to be generous with her from time to time, it just isn't likely to be every day.
Please continue to post as you like, just try to understand that everything I'm going through is a constant struggle and growing process.
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