After being in Asia for over 2.5 months, I've realized that a lot of stuff just isn't affecting me the way it originally did. There are a lot of ways that this is probably a good thing. If I was still freaking out about how dirty and noisy this city was, I probably would have gone crazy by now. If every time I used a squatty potty it seemed like an adventure, it would substantially interfere with my everyday life here.
At the same time, there are ways that I have really lost my sensitivity to the pain and suffering of this city. Every day I see people living on the streets. Every day I see people with deformed bodies. Every day I see people that don't have enough to eat. There are so many other horrible things that I see on a regular basis. When I first arrived in Kolkata, just walking around the city broke my heart for the pain that people are in. The pain of the city isn't any less now than it was then, but the compassion I used to feel seems like it has dried up. I just don't deal with it anymore. I walk down the streets of Kolkata oblivious to the pain around me simply because I can choose to block it out.
I need to let God fill me with His love for the people of this city. I need to feel the pain of it again. I need to have my heart break for the things that break God's heart. Out of that brokenness, and only out of it can I hope to ever love the hurting people around me.
Please keep praying for me. Only God can transform my heart. I need that transformation. Pray for me to experience God's love like I never have before.
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2 comments:
Yes, we do need compassion to keep us in touch with the pain around us. I think your decreasing (and diappearing pain) is part of your natural defense mechanisms to allow you to survive in the midst of the overload. I don't think God designed humans to live in large cities. In small villages and towns, our compassion is effective in keeping us caring about others. But in a large city, where you cannot possibly help even a fraction of the people you see in pain each day, you overload and start to block it out.
I will be praying that God will indeed, "Break your heart with the things that break the heart of God." But I will also pray that God will give you a peace in the midst of all that pain, based on God's greatest and perfect love and compassion for each of these people. Seek which situations God is calling YOU to deal with, and trust the rest to God. Don't worry that you can't do it all. If each of us did the part God has called us to, it would be a very different world.
Love,
Mom
Philip...
I know what you mean about everything. No one can understand the feeling inside your heart. There is something to be said about "processing." It may not always be covered with tears. At times it could be filled with anger, pain, laughter, and grace. No one can tell you how to deal with the streets...because if it were just pavement and paint it would be easy to walk them everyday, but instead they are filled with people. People that hurt, cry, hit, and love. It's all about what you choose to see. There were many days while I was in Asia where I had to "find my happy place" and being back in America proves to do the same.
Thanks for your postings, they give me insights and words to my own heart that I didn't have to say or feel on my own...
Your yalawa...
Jen
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