[Edit 05-28-05: I accidentally posted both my first attempt at this post (which I didn't like, didn't finish, and really wasn't a great expression of my true feelings) in addition to what I meant to post. I just removed what I had never intended to put up there in the first place.]
When I found out that my cat was dying, it brought me to tears that unlike any I have experienced since my first day at Kalighat. In fact, ever since those first few weeks in Kolkata, I have shed relatively few tears for anything. This brought up a question that I am stealing from a M*A*S*H episode, but that I'd like to think I would have come up with on my own: If I cry so much over the death of my cat, why don't I cry for the pain, suffering, and death that I see around me every day in Kolkata? Just to be clear, I'm not questioning the tears that I shed over my cat. I understand those and think they are appropriate. I'm wondering why I no longer feel the pain around me. Every single person in Kolkata is deeply loved by God. It breaks God's heart that so many people are living in so much pain. Sometimes I wonder if my heart has become as small, cold, and hard as a frozen pea. Although it has been a gradual decline with plenty of ups and downs, I have reached the point where my heart rarely breaks for any of the pain around me. Somehow I need to learn to let my heart break again. Somehow I need to get over the difficultly and the pain. At least once more before I leave, I need to feel the deep pain of this city. Even when I cannot do anything tangible to change their situation, I need to be with them in their pain.
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2 comments:
I think you may be passing judgement too quickly upon yourself. I have been thinking, since reading your entry yesterday about the loss of your cat, that perhaps this may be the entry point that God will use to break your heart open to all of the suffering around you. Just as Jesus is the particular through which we can know the universal God, so too the pain of a particular loss may be the way in which you might know the universal suffering. I suspect you may have been holding all of these feelings at arms length as a way to cope, and one unexpected, very personal loss was more than enough to break those defenses... I could definitely be wrong too - but some thoughts that you might sift through and see for yourself.
Peace to you.
I agree to some extent with Todd's thought. I know that I often hold in my feelings, and then one small thing will release them. When I am holding in a lot of sadness or the weight of some burden, I will often choose to read something that will bring me to tears to open me up to my feelings. I think we do need to let our hearts break with the pain of others, but it shouldn't disable us. I think God allows us to keep the disabling depth of the pain below the surface, then allows us to release it periodically. Certain moments will bring tears for us, especially if they are personal. But I think the tears are for all the pain we have been feeling. If you had really developed a small hard heart, you wouldn't have cried for Grey or be missing those you love.
Think of Jesus during his time on earth. He was God, and deeply loved each person. He felt their pain. Yet he only cried on a few occasions. Once was when he saw all the people mourning Lazarus' death. Another was when he saw Jerusalem spread out before him, and thought of the future that was ahead for the beloved city because of their lack of faith. Both were moments of very personal impact. At other times he turned away from healing suffering people and left. Didn't he feel their pain? He must have. But he obeyed God's will and moved on.
I'm not sure what all I am trying to say, except that having an open heart and caring about the suffering around you, doesn't mean that your pain is on the surface all the time. Are you still seeking where and what God wants you to do to impact some of the pain around you? Are you still in prayer for those suffering around you? I think those may be more accurate indicators than how you feel at any given moment or what makes you cry.
Love,
Mom
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